THIS is why i shouldn't be allowed to think.
"and oh, what a lonely girl, trying to make her way in this mixed-up, messed-up world.."
- Sandi Thom
what do you do when you can't make heads or tails of what you want..?
i thought i was so comfortable with my singleness, fine with being on my own. met up with some old friends to have dinner a couple of months ago, to catch up, find out how things were with everyone. even when someone asked "can my boyfriend come along?", i wasn't fazed - i'd been hearing her rave on about him for so long, i wanted to meet the amazing guy who had been lucky enough to catch her. and then it turned out that my other friend had recently gotten herself a wonderful guy as well, so of course we couldn't leave him out.
everything was going well when i met up with them all - both boys were definitely keepers, they made my friends so happy that i couldn't help but feel happy for them, that they'd found these lovely guys who obviously adored them and could bring such smiles to their faces, it made ME smile just to see them.
so there we were, sitting at a restaurant, trading stories and gabbing on about anything and everything, when each couple suddenly linked hands and just grinned at each other across the table.
oh, man. something in my heart just went SNAP.
and i was floored, because pain was totally the last thing i expected to feel.
ever.
while they froze time and gazed into each others' eyes and giggled mushy somethings, i looked around for something else to look at, ANYTHING, willing myself NOT TO LOOK DOWN AT MY SHOES, quietly trying not to let on that i was in any way affected.
i'd never had to do that before. even with other friends who have been so sweet and cuddly and coupley with their boys while they were around me.
this time was a complete bolt out of the blue.
and because it hurt, i wondered if that meant i wasn't immune after all, if some part of me that had never bothered to pipe up before actually really wanted the kind of thing that my friends had.
i drove home, pondering why it was that i wanted to cry.
it happened again more recently, these stupid, stupid feelings that unexpectedly show up to cut me to ribbons.
when someone you're already pretty damn SURE you have no genuine, more-than-passing-shallow interest in cancels on you last-minute (even though you were half-expecting they'd bollocks it up and have to bail on you AS USUAL), to your surprise, it bloody hurts.
what. the. FCK.
after that, i remembered precisely why it was that i was so determined to not get caught up in this whole mess, why it was that i stubbornly declared that my laptop computer would be my boyfriend and i didn't need any feelings and i CERTAINLY didn't need any stupid human males.
i'm still trying to figure out what it is that i want, and whether i actually do want anything at all. is it genuine emotion that frisbee-attacks me from time to time, or is it just more of the sharp, unbalanced chemical ups and downs that spike in my head..?
- Sandi Thom
what do you do when you can't make heads or tails of what you want..?
i thought i was so comfortable with my singleness, fine with being on my own. met up with some old friends to have dinner a couple of months ago, to catch up, find out how things were with everyone. even when someone asked "can my boyfriend come along?", i wasn't fazed - i'd been hearing her rave on about him for so long, i wanted to meet the amazing guy who had been lucky enough to catch her. and then it turned out that my other friend had recently gotten herself a wonderful guy as well, so of course we couldn't leave him out.
everything was going well when i met up with them all - both boys were definitely keepers, they made my friends so happy that i couldn't help but feel happy for them, that they'd found these lovely guys who obviously adored them and could bring such smiles to their faces, it made ME smile just to see them.
so there we were, sitting at a restaurant, trading stories and gabbing on about anything and everything, when each couple suddenly linked hands and just grinned at each other across the table.
oh, man. something in my heart just went SNAP.
and i was floored, because pain was totally the last thing i expected to feel.
ever.
while they froze time and gazed into each others' eyes and giggled mushy somethings, i looked around for something else to look at, ANYTHING, willing myself NOT TO LOOK DOWN AT MY SHOES, quietly trying not to let on that i was in any way affected.
i'd never had to do that before. even with other friends who have been so sweet and cuddly and coupley with their boys while they were around me.
this time was a complete bolt out of the blue.
and because it hurt, i wondered if that meant i wasn't immune after all, if some part of me that had never bothered to pipe up before actually really wanted the kind of thing that my friends had.
i drove home, pondering why it was that i wanted to cry.
it happened again more recently, these stupid, stupid feelings that unexpectedly show up to cut me to ribbons.
when someone you're already pretty damn SURE you have no genuine, more-than-passing-shallow interest in cancels on you last-minute (even though you were half-expecting they'd bollocks it up and have to bail on you AS USUAL), to your surprise, it bloody hurts.
what. the. FCK.
after that, i remembered precisely why it was that i was so determined to not get caught up in this whole mess, why it was that i stubbornly declared that my laptop computer would be my boyfriend and i didn't need any feelings and i CERTAINLY didn't need any stupid human males.
i'm still trying to figure out what it is that i want, and whether i actually do want anything at all. is it genuine emotion that frisbee-attacks me from time to time, or is it just more of the sharp, unbalanced chemical ups and downs that spike in my head..?
posted by c.a.r.o.l.i.t.h.e. at 2:49 am
2 Comments:
Woah, that's pretty rude of your friends to do that in front of you. They're obviously not very worldly. It's stupid stuff like that which gives all couples a bad name and makes singles not want to be social.
Giving you the benefit of my life and mistakes, and that of my friends, I can tell you that many people (most?) mistake feelings of loneliness or exclusion for some sort of drive to partner up. Unfortunately some people find partnering doesn't fill that hole so they go on to try and fill it by having kids (not a good reason to have kids). Often it still isn't filled then.
I'm not single myself, but I do socialise without my partner on occasion. Sometimes rude people thoughtlessly exclude you in lots of ways. If I was out with two couples who suddenly went all goo-goo, I'd feel bad too. They're in a rose-tinted world of their own and you're excluded.
What if instead of going all gooey, the couples had started gossiping and laughing about the party all of them had been to the other night - one you hadn't been invited to? Or perhaps they're talking about their plans and expectations for an upcoming party or wedding, that you're not invited to? One moment you thought you were talking to friends, and the next ... you feel like you've been demoted, like you're unworthy.
It's pretty uncomfortable and can be quite wrenching. But it's not your fault - they're being quite rude.
I'm thinking it was extra harsh for you in the restaurant because you were seeking to reconnect with your old friends, but their rude behaviour was like a shove in the opposite direction.
Some youngsters think that you have to be sticky around your partners, never letting the two of you be apart, but sometimes it's for the best. A number of people I've known have said they think it's best that when you're catching up with old friends that you have a rule about not inviting partners. "Catching up with the girls" (boys banned) works quite well. Partners would be disinterested in your reminiscences and your friends will feel bad about leaving them out of the conversations. This drives a wedge between you and your pals. Obviously they could even flip and go really rude as in your example.
Guys who are too jealous to let their girls go by themselves to meet old friends, or girls who couldn't bear to go anywhere without their guy (or vice versa) are big flashing warning signs.
In this modern age the media brainwashes us all. We forget that at heart we are social creatures. That we want to be social and that exclusion hurts. Just because you weren't really interested in this guy who bailed on you doesn't mean that you weren't looking forward to spending time in his company. Do we really want to pretend that life is so black-and-white that singles are only allowed to leave the house to meet eligible singles at speed-dating sessions???
Is it bad if a girl goes out socialising with a bunch of guys? Or two guys? Tv shows, movies, want to inject emotional tension into as many situations as possible. This is brainwashing even the most intelligent of us. People having a relaxed time out doesn't make good television. But it makes good real life! :-)
Oh my goodness.. Shorty's left an essay on your comments!
My dearest Carol..
why don't you ever let me in on these things?? I know I may not be the best person to help out with feelings seeing that I never know myself what to do with them, but one thing i defintely know about this type of stuff is that it's so soooooo much better to talk them out with close friends (hence the many times I have drowned you with all my emotional/relationship dilemmas, which really makes me wonder how you really put up with me all this time). Even if it doesn't lead to any solution or conclusions at the end, it's so much more beneficial to ur brain to have it out in the open and not bottled up inside you...
No one is invincible to emotions... so don't feel bad about having lapses every now and then...
I'm def here for you if you need to babble out stuff.. but i also understand if that doesn't work for you either.. just know I am around when you need me.. what else are best buddies for right??
(hehe.. so does that mean I should let Asian Gavin know you don't REEEEALLY want to be a cat lady afterall?? :oP)
Post a Comment
<< Home