..my life needs some sparkles.

nothingness and space.

my life's been a little on the boring side, and i thought i didn't mind, but lately i've been wondering if i should make an effort. i used to want to make a difference in the world, but for the past few years i've kind of.. lost interest in everything. i cruise, without really taking in any of my surroundings.

truth be told, most of the time i don't really care what happens.

i need some sparkles. just today i came across a quote - "all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."

i've been doing a lot of nothing. i mean, is this it? this is all there is to my life.. work, work, work and sleep. dabbles in the church life, a snippet of netball, and go home and fall in bed, ready to do it all again the next week.

when did i lose the dreams, the drive?

i've been reading this book lately ('captivating' by john & stasi eldredge) that julie got me onto (sorry i didn't actually start reading it earlier, jules..) which has set me thinking a little more about myself. (gee, i'm self-centred. it's always me, me, me..)

dreams. heart. true beauty. things i haven't really given much thought to for years.

"heart? beauty? pffft. whatever." but it's a little sad that, at this point in my life, i don't have a dream.

i have a goal, but it's not a very lofty one. "work, so you have enough money to get an apartment. and a kitty."

but then what?

it's not very world-changing. it's barely even life-changing.

and meanwhile, people around me are falling apart. i don't know what to do to help. i want to be there, to be supportive, to be what they need me to be. but.. i'm not a people person. i'm just not good with humans. so what do i do? i'm.. kind of useless in that way. i've been.. pretty much doing nothing. and i'm pretty sure that me doing nothing is hurting others..

damn, that's depressing.

so what do i do? how do i kick-start myself into caring again?